’’It’s all coming back, it’s coming back to me now.’’ Why We Fall Into Old Patterns — Even After Healing

Part of the series: From Blame to Balance — Rethinking Mental Health Through Systems

Sometimes we do the work. We show up. We change. We heal. And for a while, it works. We feel clearer. Lighter. Stronger. Then—quietly, without warning—it all comes back. The anxiety. The people-pleasing. The shutdown. The guilt. And we ask: Why am I here again?

But maybe the problem isn’t inside you. Maybe it’s in the system you returned to.

The Milan School of Systems Theory teaches us that behaviour doesn’t happen in isolation.

People live in systems — families, workplaces, communities — where patterns are shared, not owned. And every system has one goal: to maintain its balance, even if that balance is unhealthy.

Imagine a teenager with an eating disorder. She gets treatment. She learns to eat again.

But when she returns home, nothing else has changed. Her family still tiptoes. The roles are still rigid. The unspoken tensions still hang in the air. And slowly, her old behaviours return. Not because she’s failed but because the system has not shifted.

That’s the trap. Therapy builds self-awareness, insight, and strength. It’s like attaching a motor to a piece of wood floating in a river. But if the current stays the same, eventually, the motor runs out of fuel. The current wins.

This is why change often doesn’t hold. Because the system remembers who you were, not who you’re trying to become. And without disrupting that system — or stepping out of it entirely — it will unconsciously pull you back into the old role. Back into the old pattern. Back into the old you.

This isn’t about blame. It’s about pattern. And pattern lives in relationships, not just individuals. Lasting change requires more than personal growth. It takes system-wide shifts: new roles, new rules, and new ways of relating. Otherwise, no matter how far you go…

it’s all coming back. It’s coming back to you now.