PART 2 — Break Free From The Drama Triangle: From Critic To Coach, Do It With Kindness

Transcript:

The drama triangle, developed by psychiatrist Stephen Karpman, is a powerful model that reveals the subtle, destructive roles we unconsciously adopt in conflict and codependent dynamics. These roles are the Victim, the Rescuer, and the Persecutor. The Victim says: "Poor me, this is unfair, I'm helpless." The Rescuer says: "Let me help you, even if you didn't ask." And the Persecutor says: "This is your fault, you deserve to be blamed."

Each role is reactive and disempowering. The triangle feeds on guilt, blame, avoidance and unmet emotional needs. And once we're in it, we tend to rotate through all three roles, creating cycles of misunderstanding, exhaustion and emotional drama. But what most people miss is that this triangle doesn't only play out in our relationships with others. It also happens in our own minds.

There are actually two triangles: the external triangle, what we do with others; and the internal triangle, what we do to ourselves. And here's the truth. If you don't break the internal triangle, you will keep repeating the external one.

Internally, the pattern often looks like this. You start with the Persecutor. "You're lazy. You didn't do enough. You'll never get this right." Then you move to the Victim: "I know. Life is hard. I'm tired. It's too much." And then you try to Rescue yourself: "Here, have something sweet. Take a break. Avoid it. You're okay." And then, when the moment of comfort passes, the Persecutor comes back. "Look what you just did. You wasted more time. You failed again." And so, the loop continues.

To break this pattern, internally and externally, we have to break the chain. And that begins with four steps drawn directly from Cartman's original work.

Step 1: Become conscious of the game.

You can't change what you're not aware of. So ask yourself: "What role am I playing right now? What's the payoff I'm getting? And what is it costing me?"

Step 2: Refuse the invitation.

The triangle needs participants. If you don't play your role, the drama has nowhere to go. So when your mind starts persecuting you, you can say, not today. When someone blames you or guilts you, you can say: "I'm not taking that on."

Step 3: Set boundaries internally and externally.

Set a boundary with your thoughts. Just because it shows up in your mind doesn't mean it deserves your attention. And externally let people own their feelings and their consequences. You're not here to save or be saved.

Step 4: Take full responsibility for your role, but only your role.

Don't take on more than what's truly yours. If you're feeling helpless, ask: "What can I choose next?" If you're fixing everything for everyone, ask: "Am I avoiding something in myself?" If you're blaming, ask: "What's the fear or need beneath this?"

Once you interrupt the triangle, you create space to shift into something healthier, what's known as the Empowerment Triangle. Instead of the Victim, you become the Creator. Instead of the Rescuer, you become the Coach. Instead of the Persecutor, you become the Challenger. That means asking: "What do I want to create here? How can I support without enabling? How can I speak truth with kindness?"

Now here's the most important part of breaking the chain. You cannot live outside the drama triangle without kindness. And I don't just mean kindness to others, I mean kindness to yourself. Aldous Huxley once said; "It's a little embarrassing that after 45 years of research and study, the best advice I can give people is to be a little kinder to each other." He was right. Being kinder to each other is essential. But being kinder to yourself is absolutely critical.

Because if you keep persecuting yourself, you will stay trapped. If you keep rescuing yourself with short-term comforts, you will sabotage your long-term growth. And if you keep telling yourself you're helpless, you'll keep proving it. Kindness is not weakness. Kindness is not indulgence. Kindness is strength. Kindness is clarity.

So the next time you feel the swirl of blame, guilt, over-responsibility or helplessness, ask yourself the only question that really matters: "Am I holding the whip?" If the answer is "yes", put it down. Then ask: "What would kindness do here? What would a Creator do? What would a Coach say? What would a Challenger bring forward?" That's how you break the drama triangle.