It’s the Circle of Life: The Psychology of Systems

What Keeps a System Healthy — And Why That Matters More Than You Think

Part of the series: From Blame to Balance — Rethinking Mental Health Through Systems

Before we ever learn words like “family dynamics” or “systems theory”, we grow up inside them. This is a story about that — how the structures around us shape the people we become.

We were five years old, schoolbags in hand, standing in Mrs. Van Schalkwyk’s classroom—both of us a little younger than the rest.

We were the third of five children in families where that wasn’t common. We’d grown up watching systems in motion — school, home, routine. Long before we had words for it, we knew how things worked. This is the psychology of systems at work in real life.

We shared classrooms, neighbourhoods, and later a university. Over time, we became part of each other’s extended systems.

Years later, she observed: “In your family, there was freedom of speech.”

This reminded me that systems don’t just shape us — they train us. And when you grow up inside one that allows dialogue, change, and flexibility, you internalise a different rhythm.

Systems Seek Stability

Milan Systems Theory teaches us that systems are self-regulating: they seek balance — even when that balance is unhealthy. That’s why teams hire disruptors and slowly return to old patterns. Why a child may improve in therapy, then relapse at home. Systems snap back to what they know.

How do we build healthy systems? There a number of ways. Here I'll list four of them.

 1. Feedback is welcomed. Truth doesn’t destabilise the whole group.

 2. Roles aren’t fixed. You’re not frozen in your function.

 3. The load is shared. No one becomes the permanent shock absorber.

 4. Change is possible. The system updates instead of reverting.

Healthy systems are fluid. If you’re leading one — at home or at work — that’s the goal: fluidity. Not perfection. Not control. Just enough openness to stay alive.